This book is about the experience of being a parent. It takes a look at the various ways children throw your life a completely new realm. There's the bad -- they decrease your autonomy, strain your marriage, require a lot of work, bring a whole new host of social pressures (and all that gets worse with adolescence) -- and then there's the good. The good is harder to describe concisely. The best the author could do is the statement that gave her the title of the book -- that children are all joy and no fun. The book tries to capture some essence of that joy: the way children help you escape from your day-to-day self, the way they help you see the world with new eyes, and the sometimes heartbreaking joy of loving someone so much.

While this book did a great job of capturing the feelings of parenthood, of putting into words feelings that are familiar to me even after less than a year of being a parent, in the end, it was more a memoir of the experience of being a parent than an analysis of modern parenthood (a well researched memoir, to be fair). For many people, that probably hits just the point that they are looking for, but my preference in general is for books to dive a little more deeply into the whys and therefores than this one did. ( )

I don't know who the audience of "All Joy and No Fun" is supposed to be, but it's certainly not me. I kept stopping the book, re-reading passages aloud to my partner, and then we'd both giggle and say, "Who are these people?"

Here is what I learned:

A. Being a parent means that you are not the protagonist in your own story anymore, and if you're not ok with that, then parenting is going to be rough on you. (Technically I didn't really "learn" that, since we'd already thought it through and discussed it ad nauseum before we decided to become parents.)

B. If there are cracks in your relationship about communication and/or division of labor, then babies will make it worse. So get your act together before procreating. Also, having one parent stay at home seems to exacerbate the situation. Unless you are independently wealthy, one stay-at-home parent is a recipe for divorce. Get thee back to work.

C. Lots of middle class white families need to chill the f out already.

I felt so super smug after reading this book. It's good to feel smug. ( )

This book is a must-read. Senior writes with a wisdom and sensibility well beyond her years. The book is deeply researched, insightful, engrossing. I finished it feeling smarter than when I started it and certainly less alone in my own experience of parenting in this moment of time in which 'all joy and no fun' aptly captures the parenting experience for highly educated, middle class, working parents. ( )

Yes, yes, YES. Senior offers a wonderful exploration of parenthood in the modern age. I was fascinated to read the science and statistics behind many things that I already inherently knew to be true. Also, the vignettes of other parents and their children were very touching. Reading All Joy I recognized many of my own experiences reflected on the pages. ( )

Unique take on a parenting book in that it examines the effect children have on parents rather than vice-versa. Jennifer Senior has presented a well-written, well-researched book that is informative and engaging. She provides multiple answers to the seemingly simple question of why parenthood is so difficult -- and why we even spend energy mulling it over. The evolution of childhood over the last century is fascinating and the ways parenting has changed over the last few decades is startling. (e.g. "Parent" didn't even appear as a verb until 1970 -- it has become something we actively do vs. a role or a description) Senior also noted that although Dads are more involved now than at any time inn history, it is still mothers who bear the brunt of the daily grind and the majority of the nagging duties (homework, chores, behavior, etc.) Despite the venting and negative outlooks of some of the research subjects, the book never gets mired in whining, but instead has the uplifting message of joy being at the heart of raising a family, albeit buried under the drudgery of day-to-day tasks. This would make a great gift for new parents or parents-to-be (assuming they'd have time to read it! :) ( )

Unless you fit in the narrow category of American middle class, you will unlikely relate (maybe Canadian anglophones will too?). There is so much cultural bias, with so little willingness to look beyond that rut that this book provides little value. In fairness to Senior, she does specify her scope as well as the descriptive - rather than prescriptive - nature of her book. However, the flimsiness of her research and anecdotal approach hardly make it a sociological study. She writes well, though, when not hampered by her pedantic tendencies (she actually uses the words excoriate and obstreperous in one sentence).

Not my cup of tea. ( )

So far, this book really rings true, and is refreshingly even-handed and non-judgemental.

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Now that I've finished - I loved this book. It really resonated with me. ( )

I’m working on a book right now about how those of us without children can relate to our friends with kids. I don’t have kids and I won’t be having kids, so most of what I know about kids comes from watching my friends raising their own.

But I live in the world, and I see so much out there about the best ways to parent. It seems overwhelming, but it also seems to almost always be focused on what the parents do and how that impacts the children. Other than the occasional “are parents happier than non-parents?” studies, nothing (until now) has focused on what parenting does to the parents.

This book is a fascinating treasure trove for those of us without kids. Ms. Senior (a parent herself) spent time with parents, read loads of studies, and consulted with the experts before putting together this long but extremely quick read. She covers autonomy, marriage, the joys and challenges of raising small children, the (new?) trend of scheduling and planning all of a child’s free time, and the special hell that is adolescence.

One thing I appreciated from this book is that (with one tiny, and likely unintentional exception) Ms. Senior doesn’t spend time comparing parents to non-parents in any way that suggests one life choice is better than the other. I also liked that Ms. Senior was also very straightforward about the limitations of this book – it does not address very poor or very rich families; it is focused on studying middle class families.

Another great component of this book is Ms. Senior’s way of weaving the history of parenthood into the narrative. So many things that seem ‘common sense’ or ‘parental intuition’ are pretty new to parenthood! But the best parts are the families she interviews and how she includes their stories. She does this seamlessly without interrupting the flow of the book.

Obviously as someone without kids I can’t speak to whether parents themselves will enjoy this book. They might find it hits way too close to home, they might angrily disagree, or they might find relief in knowing their experiences are not unique. But I’d love to hear a parent’s perspective on this one! ( )

Nothing surprising here. Just a lot of stories and interviews. Conclusion: Being a parent is a lot of hard work, A LOT OF HARD WORK, but the reward is being a parent. ( )

This book is a nice summary of the effects of having children on modern parents. I had children in the 1980's and found much of what she discusses to be true. The newer information came at the end, regarding the effects of mobile technology on the relationships between parents and children. The book is thoughtful, well written and a good comprehensive look at the pluses and minuses of the presence of children in our lives. ( )

2. All Joy and No Fun : The Paradox of Modern Parenthood (Audio) by Jennifer Senior, read by the author (2014, 8:20, 320 pages in paperback, read Dec 18 - Jan 4)

Senior writes about what parenting does to parents. She starts off by bringing up the research showing that adults without children are happier than parents. Then she looks into why, at every age of the childhood. The introduction was fascinating and I loved every chapter in this book.

Had I not waited so long to review this, I would have gone on in more detail about things, like how there is no set cultural pattern in the US for how Dad's should act as parents today, so their are no expectations, while Mom's are tortured by the guilt of unrealistic expectations. But, I did wait too long and all that stuff has faded from the enthusiastic context I had it in. Too bad, this as a great book.

Anyway, I was entertained that she chose to come to Houston, my home town, specifically to study families with young, preadolescent children... because we Houstonians are so obsessed with after-school activities.

Senior runs (or is part of?) and early childhood group in Minneapolis. She is is a public speaker and a terrific reader.

Highly recommended to parents, and on audio.

2015
https://www.librarything.com/topic/185746#5031539 ( )

Read from November 12 to 15, 2014

I'm hours away from giving birth to my first child. I'm (naturally) terrified of the "forever-ness" of the decision we made to have a baby. This book did little to help me get over the fear of forever being responsible for another life, but it was reassuring to read about the other parents. I found the glimpses into the lives of the parents fascinating and would've liked to read about more parents being parents.

The data and statistics on what happens to marriages after a child is scary...so I'm trying to just ignore it. Jesse is most likely tired of me asking him for reassurance that we'll still be solid after having a baby. I've also asked more than once how we'll divide household chores (I'll be honest...he does most of them now). But these are good conversations to have!

An interesting read for anyone with kids of any age -- or anyone even considering having them! ( )

this is really interesting and so much of it resonated with me. also gave me some insight into some of the challenges that will be ahead in the later parenting years, although i suspect it's like parenting in general - impossible to know or prepare for, or really even understand until you're in the midst of it. it's nice to have some validation about how unhappy being a parent can make someone, since society at large really doesn't talk about that. (and it was interesting, and logical, that this is especially true for people who had to go out of their way to have a child - adoption, in vitro, surrogacy, etc - as we are more likely to attach more of an expectation of happiness or fulfillment around something that took so much intention.) i do feel like, even though this isn't a parenting book in the traditional sense or even her intention, that there are take away ideas in here about how to be a happier, more present parent, that will be good for me to try to implement.

(one thing bears saying: there was a word she used early on, i didn't mark it so can't be sure but i think it was "gypped," that i can't believe made it past the editors. gave me serious pause at the time.)

one of the many interesting statistics:
"...the wage gap between mothers and childless women who are otherwise equally qualified is now greater than the gap between women and men generally." ( )

audiobook review

http://www.3rsblog.com/2014/08/audiobook-all-joy-and-no-fun-jennifer-senior.html ( )

All Joy and No Fun isn’t a traditional parenting book. It’s not going to give you a new system to disciple your child. Part of it is a fascinating look at how parenting has changed through the years. Up until child labor laws were enacted, children were expected to work or to be seen and not heard. Senior takes the reader up through present day. She explains the evolution of parenting that has led to the present day where children can be overscheduled and more and more parents are “helicopter parents”. She’s not critical, just informative. Interspersed throughout are personal examples of parents that she interviewed. She spoke to a wide variety, including a grandmother who parented her own children in the 1970s and is now parenting her grandchildren, a mother living in an affluent suburb, and a single working mother.

I found this book to be incredibly interesting and insightful as well as meticulously researched. I listened to the audio book which is narrated by the author. I’m usually wary when an authors narrates their own book since they are not usually experienced narrators. Senior did a great job and the book was pleasant to listen to.

I highly recommend this book to parents of kids of all ages. ( )

This book is a mix of scientific studies & personal anecdotes that gives this book a unique look into the lives if parents. It’s not an advice book. Just a heartfelt account of why and how children effect our lives so strongly from birth. It also discusses the roles of modern patenting & its evolution over time.

Read more at: http://thenovelworld.com/2014/09/18/book-review-all-joy-and-no-fun-the-paradox-o... ( )

This book explores the issues of modern parenting (at least for white, middle class Americans) where the expectations of what a parent can and should do seem to be out of line with the past and with reality. One illustration of the shift in recent generations is the change of term from "housewife" (someone who manages the house) to "stay at home mom" (someone who manages the children). And over that same time mothers are spending more hours working and more hours with their children. The challenge of balancing so many responsibilities contributes to grave stresses, yet paradoxically there is much joy in experiencing the children's development. The book is illustrated with interviews and observations with a variety of parents

Favorite Passages:

“Our experiencing selves tell researchers that we prefer doing the dishes — or napping, or shopping, or answering emails — to spending time with our kids. . . . But our remembering selves tell researchers that no one — and nothing — provides us with so much joy as our children. It may not be the happiness we live day to day, but it’s the happiness we think about, the happiness we summon and remember, the stuff that makes up our life-tales.”

( )

This is a book that every parent should read. Senior provides a lot of information that may be hard to swallow - especially for dads, but it's good information to have. Rather than put the focus on how parenting affects the child, the focus of this book is on how having children affects parents. There's a lot of science that Senior uses to support some of what she says, and that helps. Overall, I think just understanding how having children changes you as a person is helpful. You can help recognize some of what she says in the book and it's helpful to understand how or why you might feel a particular way rather than just "dealing" or getting frustrated with yourself. ( )

Modern American upper-class (you could say upper-middle class, but I think that’s misleading except as to self-concept) parenting, with its multiple stresses as well as its sources of fulfillment. Basically, Senior argues, we’ve turned inward so much that we’re spending all our time investing in our kids specifically; this is exhausting for everyone, but it’s hard to figure out how to opt out on an individual basis, especially when it’s so easy to judge and be judged on one’s parenting and specifically on one’s mothering. Yet another iteration of the Prisoner’s Dilemma. Gender roles (enforced more heavily on women) are a part of this, as is the general speedup of work without allowance for caretaking obligations. Senior writes perceptively about these issues and about how the inward turn might not be good for anyone, but if you think it’s privileged navel-gazing then you might want to skip it. ( )

A realistic, chronological look at parenthood, with all its expectations and surprises. Senior draws on classic longitudinal studies as well as more recent work, and the quotes she chooses fit perfectly into the flow, illuminating her narrative. Her conclusion uses the vocabulary developed by Daniel Kahneman, making the case that while our "experiencing selves" live life moment to moment, our "remembering selves" are who we are. Therefore, though our "experiencing selves" may experience a lot of momentary frustration and stress while raising children, our "remembering selves" feel it was worthwhile.

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Books cited - want to read: Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam (2000), Perfect Madness by Judith Warner (2005), When Partners Become Parents by Carolyn and Philip Cowan (1999), The Philosophical Baby by Alison Gopnik (2009), Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman (2011)
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Quotes

But the truth is, there's little even the most organized people can do to prepare themselves for having children. (3) [Oh shit.]

David Dinges, one of the country's foremost experts on partial sleep deprivation, says that the population seems to divide roughly in thirds when it comes to prolonged sleep loss: those who handle it fairly well, those who sort of fall apart, and those who respond catastrophically. The problem is, most prospective parents have no clue which type they are until their kids come along. (Personally, I was the third type - just two bad nights, and blam, I was halfway down the loonytown freeway to hysterical exhaustion. (21) [Again: Shit.]

Psychologists in fact have a term for the slow, incremental erosion of our self-restraint: they call it "ego depletion." (22)

...the spotlight illuminates just one thing while the lantern throws off a 360-degree glow. Adults have a spotlight consciousness. The consciousness of small children...is more like a lantern. (26)

"I realized...that being a parent consists, in large part, of correcting the growth pattern of a person who is not necessarily ready to live in a civilized society." (34)

"When couples struggled," [Arlie Russell Hochschild] writes, "it is seldom simply over who does what. Far more often, it is over the giving or receiving of gratitude." -The Second Shift (54)
"...household division of labor [is] a key source of contention between spouses." -Paul Amato, Alone Together(54)

But perhaps the hardest and most elusive quality for a time-use survey to measure is the psychic energy that mothers pour into parenting - the internal soundtrack of anxieties that hums in their heads all day long, whether they're with their children or not....Perhaps mothers feel rushed because the sensitive and logistically intensive parts of raising kids...fall disproportionately to them. (59-60)

"In our erotic lives we abandon our children, and in our familial lives we abandon our desire." -Adam Phillips, Side Effects (75)

...the conversation that all couples about who does what happens at the expense of a more important conversation: does the state have an obligation or moral imperative to help out mothers and fathers? In America we wind up having these arguments privately because our politics allows little room for us to have them publicly. (81)

It's as if parents, uncertain about what future to prepare their kids for, are trying to prepare them for any and every possible future. (138)

The shift in nomenclature [from housewife to stay-at-home mom] reflects the shift in cultural emphasis: the pressures on women have gone from keeping an immaculate house to being an irreproachable mom. (154)

"The trouble with happiness is that it can't be sought directly. It is only a precious by-product of other worthwhile activities." -Dr. Spock, Problems of Parents, 1962 (176)

"During childhood, it's about trying to help develop who your kid's going to be. During adolescence, it's about responding to who your kid wants to be." -Joanne Davila, SUNY Stonybrook (193)

Indeed, one could argue that the whole experience of being a parent exposes the superficiality of our preoccupation with happiness, which usually takes the form of pursuing pleasure or finding our bliss. Raising children makes us reassess this obsession and perhaps redefine (or at least broaden) our fundamental idea about what happiness is. (241)

If that's what joy is - connection - then to fully experience it requires something terrifying as well as exalting: opening oneself up to the possibility of loss. (244)

All parents are hostages to fate. Their hearts, as the late Christopher Hitchens wrote, are "running around inside someone else's body." (245)
"Joy is grief inside out." -George Vaillant, Spiritual Evolution (245)

"If architects want to strengthen a decrepit arch, they increase the load that is laid upon it, for thereby the parts are joined more firmly together." -Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning (254)

...one of the biggest paradoxes in the research on human affect [is that] we enshrine things in memory very differently from how we experience them in real time. The psychologist Daniel Kahneman has coined a couple of terms to make the distinction. He talks about the "experiencing self" versus the "remembering self." (255)

Storytelling, as Kahneman likes to say, is our natural response to memory. The episodes we recall become part of our identities, the delicate composition of who we are. Our remembering selves are in fact who we are...even though our experiencing selves do our actual living for us.
And if that's the case - if we are our remembering selves - then it matters far less how we feel moment to moment with our children. (258) ( )

How are parents affected by their children? Research and anecdotes on parents' time use, devotion to their children, happiness, marriages, social life, work, parenting styles, and other things. At times heavily geared towards American, not-Scandinavian-style-gender-equal conditions, but in general much to recognize and think about for parents. Tells of a survey where kids wanted less stressed mums more than more time with her. Interesting purported link between child care and happiness. ( )