There are lots of books on how to raise a child, but not really any good books on how to raise an adult. This author really did a lot of research to write an excellent book on how to help young adults transition into life through wise career choices in life and in college. It also spoke of how parents have to let go gradually, and let their children become independent as time goes on. The book was a little long for me and did seem to repeat a little, but the information was wonderful. I also saved several of the Facebook and Twitter resources used. I highly recommend that every parent read this long before their child/children reach college age. ( )

This book came to my attention having been recommended by my daughter's middle school. It was eye-opening and a bit of a wake-up call for me, as I could see some of the same dynamics playing out in our household. Lythcott-Haims' essential premise is that kids need responsibilities and challenges to feel confident and grow a sense of independence, and by denying them (doing everything for them and not allowing them to experience failure or navigate conflict) we are not setting them up for success. I took photos (my version of highlighting) of many passages and ideas to refer back to later on. Definitely a must-read for parents today. ( )

Brilliant and interesting, this book discusses the recent trend of "helicopter parenting" and the effects it is having on children and society. Julie Lythcott-Haims bases her book on interviews with teenagers, parents, teachers, high school principals and guidance counselors, and college admissions professionals, as well as on her own experience as a parent and a freshman dean at Stanford. In addition to writing about the unintended consequences of overparenting (depression, drug abuse, stress, and young adults who are not capable of independence), she provides practical advice for how parents can overcome the trend in their own home and neighborhoods.

I particularly like the discussion about college admissions. She stresses that finding the right college is about fit more than about prestige. Ivy league and similar colleges are not the only choice, and often are not even the right choice for a particular kid.

This book does have a definite perspective that may not feel relatable to all parents - Lythcott-Haims is an upper middle class, well-educated, professional mother - but parents from other walks of life can certainly take the bits and pieces that apply to them. ( )

This is a must read for all parents. It is extremely relevant to mainstream, middle class families too, not just the Palo Alto Ivy League parent types. I live in an upper middle class neighborhood in Ohio, where most of the parents did not go to Ivy League schools. We went to normal colleges and worked really hard to get where we are. Our public school district is one of the best in Ohio. Every year we have maybe one student who gets into a Stanford level school, but most go to regular public universities in Ohio. Even so, these kids are being overparented and harmed in exactly the same way as JLH describes of her Stanford freshmen.

I live in a small suburb, about 1 square mile. The neighborhood overlooks a river. There are woods and creeks. The elementary school is right in the middle of it all. The main road through town has several restaurants, a Starbucks, movie theatre and ice cream parlor. It's the perfect town for kids to walk to school, go to the movies, or play in the woods on their own. I'm sure they did this 30 years ago but they don't anymore. Kids are at home under the watchful eye of their parents. They are all in sports, piano lessons, dance lessons, gymnastics, swim team, tae kwon do, multiple AP classes each year, and the list goes on. My son had a natural curiosity when he was little, so I let him build forts in the woods by himself and walk to school by himself in 2nd grade (3 blocks), but there were never other kids doing these things, and I felt the skeptical eyes of parents and teachers. Today he is one of the most independent kids I know, but other college kids in my neighborhood are barely making it.

They are depressed, dropping out of college, living at home, getting into drugs, not driving at age 16. All of their parents are good, kind people who only want the best for their kids. But they helicoptered and gave in to their kid's whims and now they are paying the price. Not only are their kids not going to elite colleges, but they are barely coping with life. All of these parents are standing around in disbelief wondering "What the hell happened?"

JLH's book does focus mainly on the academic demands placed on middle class kids. This is a huge piece of the problem and she chose to tackle this piece because this is where she has experience and expertise. She talks heavily about her dislike of the US News college rankings and admissions criteria, however, she also gives lots of specific parenting advice. She suggests practical things you can do as a parent at each developmental stage to help kids learn independence. She has lots of other suggestions too, such as showing your kids you have personal interests, hobbies, passions. In other words, you aren't stopping your life to drive them all over the place and attend every sports game. They need to see an example of their parent living life, not catering to their kids. She also mentions the importance of finding like-minded parents and suggestions for what you can say to parents who question your hands-off parenting style.

People who judge this book as not relevant to them because they have a kid who doesn't come close to Ivy League material have completely missed the point. The book goes way beyond that. I would love for JHL to stay on this track in her writing and continue to research the plight of young adults today, because she is obviously passionate about it. I would also love for her to delve deeper into the effects of technology on their development, because that is another major change in this generation vs. her generation. Thank you JLH for writing this book. My kids can go to any college they choose, including community college, and it won't bother me in the least.

One final comment. Every parent at my daughter's private christian school was given a copy of this book for an all school discussion. It's clear that schools are concerned. I am encouraged by this, but don't feel that anything will really change. Parents, teachers and administrators will talk and agree, but in the end kids will continue to load up on AP classes. And I am certain that the ultimate pride will always be for those kids who make it into an Ivy. ( )

As a high school counselor I enjoyed the book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims. I thought it was well-written and insightful. I recommend the book to not only parents but to those who work with children and parents as well. ( )

This was so very good. I need to read it again in a couple of years. ( )

We want our kids to have challenging, rigorous, growing opportunities but we don't want them to get their feelings hurt in the process. We wrap them in bubble wrap, schedule their lives, hover over them for fear they might get a hang-nail in a world that is now MUCH SAFER than the one we grew up in yet still had alone play time, and when they turn out to be incapable of dealing with the hard knocks of life, we try to "fix" that also. We're raising a generation of soft, wimpy, infantilized adults who will not have the mechanisms for dealing with the increasing problems in our world. Luckily, some people do recognize that cocooning our children is not always the best answer--which is what makes Lythcott-Haims's book a must-read for parents, teachers, any adult who is around kids. ( )

This is a book that every American parent and educator should read! When I first heard about this book, I wanted to listen to it in audio (not available at this time), so I purchased what I thought was the right book from Audible. Instead, I got the book How to Raise Your Adult Children which deals with issues of parenting after your children have become adults. How to handle issues with your 40 year old child who still lives at home. Ironically, the fact that a book even exists that gives advice on how to 'parent' adult children is part of the problem that Julie Lythcott-Haims is trying to address. The Baby Boomers have hovered and nurtured our children so closely that they don't never become independent and really never are fully functioning adults. The whole phenomena of helicopter parents and tiger moms is part of this trend to carefully watch
and protect our children to the extent that they can't make a decision or act without us.

Excellent book! ( )

This is a book that I will be recommending often. I don't think I realized quite what a common thing overparenting was and to the extent that it was happening. I both agreed heartily with what I read and recognized myself in it's pages as well, unfortunately. I appreciated the very practical steps in part 3 and will be referencing it often as my children grow. ( )

Overall, I enjoyed reading this book - it was a well written and an all-encompassing look at parenting and how to keep the focus on the children and what is best for them at their age - socially, developmentally, and academically. The only downside was I got stuck in part one because it aggravated me so much. Hearing more stories about adults doing too much for children was difficult to read through. I have experienced this type of parent personally in many environments. It took me months to read that first section, it was smoother when I got to part 2, and enjoyed reading in part 3 & 4. I wasn't the demographic the book was targeted to, so the first part was not geared toward me.
Lythcott-Haims had a nice balance of what is happening, why it is a problem, the numerous factors involved in parenting, and specifically what adults can do to guide and support children (parents, teachers, coaches, tutors, etc.) appropriately through childhood to become successful adults in the near future.

For reference:
Part 1: What doing when overparenting
Part 2: Why harmful to children who are overparented
Part 3: Another Way (to parent)
Part 4: Daring to Parent Differently

Great book! ( )

As the mother of a tween in an upper middle/upper class suburb, I have often wondered about the change in parenting expectations that I have seen between the parents of my generation versus how my friends and I were parented. The norm these days seems to be that we are supposed to be heavily involved in the homework load and school projects, setting up play dates, extracurricular activities, educational camps, etc. I grew up in a working class community, where the parents were not expected to micromanage their children's lives to this extent. I have been wondering for a few years now whether this is simply a difference in having moved up the socioeconomic ladder, or whether parenting has changed across the board.

The book How to Raise an Adult tackles this issue, specifically how many parents in middle/upper class communities are over-parenting their children in order to help them secure the best opportunities in life. The author says that we often do this in the hope that our children will get into one of the most competitive universities, but our well-meaning intent can lead to producing helpless young adults. Do we want our children to be high academic achievers but be uncomfortable making simple decisions for themselves and performing simple household tasks? Or should we take a step back, let our children take over more of the control and the decision making process for their own lives, even though it will be uncomfortable to watch them fail?

The author clearly laid out the benefits to going against the current culture of over-parenting, as well as discussing why the goal of pushing our children toward a top college might not lead to the happiest/most successful career path after all. She also laid out some practical ideas/examples to stop over-parenting in our day to day interactions with our children. I found this to be a very timely and thought-provoking read, and would certainly recommend it to friends. ( )

Like Julie Lythcott-Haims I worked with teenagers and their parents in an academic setting. And also like her, I, along with my colleagues, noticed overparenting by many parents. Now, as a mom of a toddler, I have seen it from the other side – with parents being competitive about getting their child into Mother’s Day Out programs. YIKES!

Part I of her book, "How to Raise an Adult", presented a lot of information I had already seen firsthand, so I felt this part of the book was redundant for me personally. In addition, I have already read many of the parenting books she referenced, so Part I of her book did not provide too much new information for me.

However, the rest of the book provided a lot of concrete examples on how to prevent overparenting and steps you can take now to prevent problems in the future. I have many, many pages of this book dog-eared to reread. My husbands plans to read this book as well based on my positive review.

One final thing I did not love is her personal observations of parenting in Palo Alto, CA. While her personal antidotes are interesting, I think she should have spent more time getting first hand observations from others around the country.

In addition to a great read for parents, I also think this would be a great book club choice for parents. ( )

My older child is a junior in high school, so my receipt of this book as a LibraryThing Early Reviewer was quite timely!

Overall it was an enjoyable - and useful - read. Unlike my experience with some "advice" books, I actually read the book from beginning to end, and even browsed through the bibliography. As mentioned by other reviewers, in the first part of the book, Lythcott-Haims outlines the problems created by over-involved parents. While I found the anecdotes interesting (and yes, I could see myself & some of the parents I know in them), I was eager to hear about SOLUTIONS.

Luckily Lythcott-Haims actually follows through on her promise to provide useful suggestions for overcoming the overparenting trap. I particularly appreciated seeing lists of tasks that children should be able to handle independently by a certain age. I have found myself holding back a bit more - - for example, I refrained from contacting my child's guidance counselor this spring, even though I'm sure that she's not signing up for all of the "right" classes. Instead, I asked my daughter to explain why she chose the classes that she did. And while I don't entirely agree with her choices, I'll respect the fact that she has considered her options carefully, and decided to take fewer AP classes so that she can concentrate on an activity that's really important to her (dance). Maybe she won't get into Harvard because she chose not to take the most challenging courses that are available, but then again maybe Harvard isn't the right choice for someone whose top priority isn't taking all of the toughest classes!

Have already recommended to other parents - hope they take its messages to heart. ( )

I’ve never had children, but I’ve worked around college-aged kids my entire career. Like the author, I’ve increasingly become concerned about a large population of kids who appear to lack the ability to mature into full-fledged adults. I’ve assumed the cause was the growing trend of overprotective parenting (what many call helicopter parenting), but other than short articles in newspapers and magazines, I never taken the time to read anything more substantial. I hoped this book would provide me with that opportunity and it did…very nicely! Lythcott-Haims’ book is an excellent overview of the problem and a thoughtful collection of ideas designed to remedy the situation.

The book crosses genres: it’s both an in-depth research-journalism treatment of the problem, as well as a how-to guidebook outlining specific ways to help resolve it.

The first third of the book covers the problem from all angles: historical, sociological, cultural, psychological, and economic. Although there are extensive bibliographical notes at the end, the book covers these concepts in a style that demonstrates good journalism more than in-depth academic research. Well-educated readers will find the book easy to read, entertaining, and compelling. But it’s important to note that Lythcott-Haims is not a sociologist, nor is her book meant to be an academic treatise. She should probably be considered a concerned academic administrator who saw a significant problem in the college-aged population she served and it worried her enough (both as an administrator and as a recent parent) to investigate it further on her own and write a book about it.

The book is definitely aimed at well-educated and affluent parents. As you will learn in the book (and I certainly do not have the time here to explain it further), helicopter parenting is a phenomenon that primarily effects the high-end of the socioeconomic ladder.

In the first third, she outlines the problem, focusing both on the various cultural and sociological phenomena that have caused it, as well as the societal, economic, and psychological damage that it is causing. It is this first section that interested me the most. In it, the author gathers a great deal of evidence to support her ideas. These trends have been playing out slowly in virtually every facet of life in America over the last three decades, pushing us toward this new style of parenting. What I found fascinating about her analysis, is that this is almost exclusively an American phenomenon. It is not happening in other highly civilized Western-style cultures. The problem is ours and the damage (to our children and society at large) is our own. The author makes a strong case for this and backs it up with extensive bibliographical notes and interviews.

Interestingly, she approaches evidence more like a lawyer than an academic. She relies heavily on the interviews with experts. Perhaps she does it this way because she is a lawyer. After graduating from Stanford, she earned a law degree at Harvard and practiced corporate law. Then she left her law career to return to Stanford where she served in various administrative positions including Dean (and later Associate Vice Provost) of Freshmen and Undergraduate Advising. It was in that position where she became alarmed about the growing number of Stanford freshmen who appeared incapable of maturing into adulthood. It is also at that time that she became a parent herself and felt the intense pressure to conform to helicopter-style parenting.

In the last two-thirds of the book, the author discusses steps that parents can take to raise a child who should have no difficulty mastering adulthood when the time comes. This is the “how-to” sections of the book. The course that is outlined is brave, reasonable, and creative.

I found the book to be exceptionally well written. Personally, I hope it will spark a trend away from overparenting styles of child rearing…but I am certainly not holding my breath. Advice on how to parent outside the cultural norm is almost taboo. Like politics and religion, it is not a topic you discuss lightly even with close friends and family.

[As a side note, it is interesting to know that in June of 2012, Lythcott-Haims left Stanford to enroll in a master of fine arts program. Her goal was to prepare herself for a new career in writing. This is her first book since she switched gears to become a writer.] ( )

I am a parent of four young children (ages 4 to 10). I used to think it was a good to be heavily involved in my kids' lives, a major change from 30 years ago when I was a kid. I'm already seeing some negatives from this kind of parenting, and this book has only further illustrated the downsides. I'm glad that I'm at a point where I can still use this information. I don't think of myself as an overly protective parent, and certainly not one who would ever consider talking to college professors for my kids.

However, I'm guilty of lesser offences on the spectrum of helicopter parenting and this book provided a helpful wake-up call to the value of children's independence and helping them build confidence in themselves rather than undermining them. I'll have to wait 20 years to know if it worked. ( )

Lighten up and back off. That is the message educator Julie Lythcott-Haims gives to parents in her book "How to Raise an Adult." The author is a parent herself and empathizes with the concerns parents have about the future welfare of their children. However, the former Stanford University dean of freshmen cites evidence that parents’ attempts to protect their children are actually inflicting harm. Overprotective and over-controlling parents are depriving their children from the experiences necessary for the development of independent adults. Lythcott-Haims does more than point out the shortcomings of current parenting. She also provides specific actions parents can take to raise their children to become competent and confident adults.

Anyone involved in raising, teaching, mentoring, or coaching young people will benefit from reading the book. In fact, Lythcott-Haims makes it clear that society as a whole has a stake in how children are prepared for adulthood. The present trends in American parenting do not bode well for the future of our country. ( )

I received this book in the mail as an Early Reviewer. My husband opened the package and thought I had gotten it for him as a joke, to tease him about his lack of maturity. After setting him straight that the book was to assist us in raising our three teens to be self-sufficient individuals, I proceeded to read this book with a highlighter in hand. I would recommend parents highlight and/or take notes as they read this book. There are some very specific suggestions and nuggets of wisdom that you will not want to have to hunt back through the book to find. The main point of the book is that parents today overprotect their children and do not allow them the independence needed to be ready to be on their own as college students. The author was a freshman dean at Stanford and shared many examples of how parents of college students in this generation intervene and assist their kids on campus. I was convinced that many teens are not self-reliant when they go away to college but did not agree with many of her statements in regards to keeping young children safe as over-protection. The book did have a good list of "18-year olds must be able to.." which was very pertinent to me, as my son will be a freshman in college in August. There were also a lot of specific examples of how to converse and interact with children as preschoolers, elementary-aged, middle school, and high school to help develop specific skills needed as an adult. While I liked and appreciated many of the author's ideas for developing independence, work ethic and resilience in children, I was offended by many of her sweeping statements in the early chapters, blasting parents for worrying about their kids' getting injured or kidnapped. The world is different than when I was a kid and could roam miles from home on my bike for hours on end without my parents having any idea where I was. I cannot agree with the author that elementary-aged children should be allowed to walk to and from school alone, like I did at that age. While I did continue to read the book in hopes of some useful information (which was rewarded), I can see how many readers would be put off by the author's scathing remarks about parents who worry about their children's safety and might not want to finish the book. If you can get past the introductory section, there is a lot of meat in this book that is worth reading and putting into practice. ( )

Free LibraryThing Early Reviewer book. Wealthy parents, especially mothers, are spending way too much time and energy trying to make sure their children are perfect and go to Stanford, Yale, or Harvard. They do homework for their kids; they get their kids ADHD diagnoses; they intervene in personal disputes to smooth the way. This strategy paradoxically backfires and leaves the children stressed, possibly abusing drugs, ungrounded and uninterested in learning, and unable to accomplish ordinary life tasks for themselves. I was struck when reading the book how much the practices described synced up with the anti-vaccination movement: they both come from a place of mistrust. Mistrust of other people to treat your child right; mistrust of institutions like schools, universities, even the military. And mistrust of any outreach to others that isn’t paid coaching, as if relations outside the family can only be monetary exchanges. This turning inward is an effect and a cause of growing inequality. It’s a very sad picture. And I’m certainly vulnerable to these pressures; I too would like my kids to go to a top college and avoid severe suffering. When people a few miles away got child welfare called on them for letting their kids walk a mile alone, it’s hard to relax about letting your kids be independent. The advice to individual parents is sensible enough, given the problem: get your own life, let your kid make mistakes, let them find the path that’s right for them even though that path probably does not lead to Stanford, Yale, or Harvard. ( )

As a woman in my mid-twenties who is seven months pregnant with my first child, I am at a unique place to reflect on my own childhood and family patterns, and to begin to establish a family culture of my own. This book provided a great framework in which to do both. I plan to incorporate many of the author's suggestions: encouraging unstructured play time, modeling self-care, and allowing my children to be independent and self-directed. I highly recommend "How To Raise an Adult" and believe that it is a book that I will return to many times over the next several years. ( )

I wish I had read this book before I finished raising my two children, now in their thirties. Lythcott-Haims speaks to a select set of parents - primarily those in the upper middle-class, upper class demographic - whose desires to "do right" by their children have led to many of the wrong conclusions. There are a subset of parents in the middle class and lower middle class who also succumb to the overparenting traps, but for the most part those in the lower class have neither the time nor the inclination to do everything for their children to spare them the hard facts of life. While a good portion of the book is devoted to those whose children would primarily fall between the tween and twenty ages, there is also good practical advice for parents of younger kids. The author begins by delineating what "good" parents are doing now thinking they are helping their children to beat the odds and be "winners" in the game of life. She indicates things like "Keeping Them Safe and Sound", "Providing Opportunity", "Being There for Them", and "Succumbing to the College Admissions Arms Race" finally asking the question "To What End?" In Part 2 of the book she explains why all the above, which sound great on paper are leading to kids who are lacking basic life skills, and overstressing our children to no good end, as well as hurting their job prospects in the long run. Part 3 suggests another way of parenting that includes teaching life skills, giving kids unstructured time, teaching kids how to think, preparing them for hard work, and normalizing struggle - all features of the adult life. This is an important book and benefits both kids and parents when those who read it take it to heart. Highly recommended. ( )